Saying Goodbye

Today I just got back from saying goodbye to my dad. Sunday, my dad passed away from lung cancer. I didn't think that it would affect me as hard as it has. You see, I haven't seen my dad in many years, and the last time I talked to him was the day before my wedding. It was a bit of a strained relationship. Mostly on my part. I didn't want to deal with an alcoholic. I didn't want to make him feel better for not being there for me. It was just easier to not feel anything towards him. I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want me. But it still hurts. Because I was ready to talk to him about a month ago. God put him on my heart, and I thought that I needed to see if he knew Him. I had envisioned him meeting his grandchildren for the first time. But it didn't happen. And Sunday at church, I lost it. They had a fourth celebration, and they had brought out the flag, talked about what each fold meant. I didn't want to be seeing the same thing at my dads funeral. But I did. Monday morning we drove out to Concord, NC. 16 hours, 992 miles. And during this trip, I met my dad's wife. Such a beautiful person. It made it even more real, to see where he lived. To see pictures of him during his illness. To see how much his wife loved him. I never got to see that side of him, and I wished I could have. I am having to process a lot lately. Learning not to hold on to anger and hurt. And now I have to live with the fact that I won't see him ever again.