Curls! and Catching Up

Seriously, this boy was blessed with good hair. I don't know how he got it, but I absolutely adore it! He won't be getting a haircut anytime soon either, I'm so afraid as soon as he gets it cut, the curls won't grow back! Oh well, I love the baby look, and am just going to enjoy it for now.

This week has still been a little hard for me. All I keep thinking about is what could have been, the last time I talked to my dad, how I held the power to change the direction of our relationship, that I didn't want him to see any pictures of his grandkids. And honestly, I don't know why. I know why, but it is amazing to me to see how much anger has such a strong grip if you let it...and I did. This past week, at the bible study that I've been attending, Beth Moore talked about time, and grudges, two important lessons I wished I learned a little sooner. I've been praying that my dad knew Jesus, I honestly don't know if he did, but I've been praying that I will get to have some of this missed time with him again. So, still trying to process all the emotions that I've been feeling lately, and hoping that I may be able to start a new relationship with his wife...she is the only connection that I have left. I know that I'm a little too late, but I really want her to meet the kids. So, hopefully we will be able to plan another trip out to NC. Such a gorgeous state!

Saying Goodbye

Today I just got back from saying goodbye to my dad. Sunday, my dad passed away from lung cancer. I didn't think that it would affect me as hard as it has. You see, I haven't seen my dad in many years, and the last time I talked to him was the day before my wedding. It was a bit of a strained relationship. Mostly on my part. I didn't want to deal with an alcoholic. I didn't want to make him feel better for not being there for me. It was just easier to not feel anything towards him. I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want me. But it still hurts. Because I was ready to talk to him about a month ago. God put him on my heart, and I thought that I needed to see if he knew Him. I had envisioned him meeting his grandchildren for the first time. But it didn't happen. And Sunday at church, I lost it. They had a fourth celebration, and they had brought out the flag, talked about what each fold meant. I didn't want to be seeing the same thing at my dads funeral. But I did. Monday morning we drove out to Concord, NC. 16 hours, 992 miles. And during this trip, I met my dad's wife. Such a beautiful person. It made it even more real, to see where he lived. To see pictures of him during his illness. To see how much his wife loved him. I never got to see that side of him, and I wished I could have. I am having to process a lot lately. Learning not to hold on to anger and hurt. And now I have to live with the fact that I won't see him ever again.